Sense of Loss

Me watching everything burn down

When something bad happens to you, but you’re tired of fighting, and instead of putting up you just give in. That’s how I’ve felt for a while now, and it sucks.

My car was broken into 2 weeks ago, a few valuables were stolen, I was fortunately not carrying my personal laptop on that day (thank you Lord), but I still lost a few things I can’t replace, one of them being very sentimental in value. I was due to travel to Egypt, and I was going to apply for my tourist visa the following day. The short story there’s that my travel documents were stolen, and couldn’t get a new passport in time to apply for a visa, so I had to watch my friend leave while I stayed home. We were supposed to leave on the 17th March.

In the days since then, I’ve been quite depressed, a feeling which is no longer foreign to me. I spent the first few days trying to catch up on some of my personal/Moving Gauteng work, but I threw the towel in after 3 days when I couldn’t take it anymore. Even though I’m feeling like sh*t inside, I don’t really want to talk about it.

Even though I’m feeling like sh*t inside, I don’t really want to talk about it. It’s a bad sense of loss, the kind of loss where you come home to find your house and all possessions burning. I don’t even feel the need to get inside the house and try salvage some of my stuff, I can just sit and stare at the inferno blazing in front of me.

Going back to watching my friend leave, I was sad, but even then I couldn’t even express any emotion; honestly some part of me was hoping that it’s all a dream, and that I would promptly wake up with a sigh of relief. Obviously it wasn’t a dream, because bad things happen to people all the time, right?

Lord knows I needed this trip badly, I needed to get away from work, from my computer, from the struggles in my life. I just needed to spend 10 solid days without someone contacting me for anything. I feel like that rope+wood bridge that everyone keeps crossing without stopping to replace the ropes and the wood.
Sometimes I feel like I’m breaking, and there isn’t really much I can do about it but to just run away from everything. Of course, that doesn’t change anything, but when dealing with battles of the mind and time, the clearing of the mind + the passage of time can restore a lot of what’s lost or damaged.

I’ve had my week of almost having disappeared from everything, and it’s time back for me to walk back into my misfortunate life.

I always say that things of this world will fade, which they will. However, it’s hard to ignore the sense of loss in my heart, the fading away of my happiness at every disheartening moment or tragedy.

We often worry about material things that are sometimes replaceable, but sometimes we slowly lose something of more worth, which we can’t replace. For some people, it’s a loss of trust, others a loss of worth, etcetera.