Single; Forever?

I found this in a draft from July 2016, might as well finish and publish it

I’ve been single more than not in my young adult life. Thinking about it now, most of my few relationships have only lasted a year at best, oftentimes with some caveats and qualifications.

I recently started getting that feeling of “I’ve been single for too long”, which normally means feeling some loneliness. I’ve been out of a relationship for about a year now, officially longer; but caveats and qualifications have their thing; technically. Prior to my relationship, I had been single for nearly 5 years, but back then it was by choice. I just woke up one day, questioned where I was going with dating, and decided to walk away from my already fruitless relationship at the time. My then contention was that”my next relationship would be my last”.

I’ve held that notion ever since, but I don’t know if I’m still as strongly convicted towards it now. Over the years I’ve learnt that finding a partner is often difficult for non-socialites such as myself. As I grow older and my friendships mature, subconsciously I acknowledge that starting new relationships/friendships is often laborious. There’s the odd girl I’d be interested in, but the idea of walking up to her, “meeting” her, and trying to spawn interaction; fades away as quickly as it comes. It’s just too much effort.

How would that next relationship be my last then? What if I’m incompatible with that person with whom I meet? I think I’m a “for life” kind of guy, in that when I get into a relationship, it wouldn’t be to “try things out” or whatever we call that nowadays. It makes it feel thrilling yet risky. I’ve backed off from potential relationships because of this. Am I risk averse? I think I am, sadly.

A friend of mine is in her 30’s, and I suspect she’s been single for maybe a decade, though I’m being dramatic because she just won’t tell me the years. I often wonder how she does it, though it’s because her standards are very high. She’s become very used to being single, I suspect she might have accepted that likelihood of remaining so forever being high. I don’t think mine are, I’m much younger for a guy, and I think I’m just going through Lonely Avenue. I could still some day pull a Trump card and marry someone much younger than me (heck, look at him now, he’s president!).

As I mentioned up top, I initially started drafting this in July 2016, it’s now January 2017. What’s changed in the past few months?

Mentally, a lot has, actually, a lot changed in the last 3 months. I’ve been liberated from the ‘sense of loss’ that I had from my prior relationship, I thank God that whatever part of me that was still feeling hurt has fully healed.
I also got to understand more of my “Lonely Avenue” situation, and mostly got to properly frame what it is I want in my life. Whether I’m willing to pass certain things/people to keep looking for that is another story altogether.

There’s a lady at the office, who I used to write letters to. She “appreciated them”, but I never felt the sense that she was willing to get up and walk halfway to meet me. That didn’t work out, she left our employer early in 2016 (I think something about her prompted me to write this), and never made the effort in wanting to meet with me. So I walked away.

Walking away used to be something that I was very good at, but emotional attachments are too hard. You get used to talking to someone, seeing them, doing stuff with them; sharing a part of yourself with them. Having to let go of that overnight is very difficult, especially if you pictured that someday being more than what you now have.

I think the two hardest decisions with relationships for me right now are:

  1. How long should I keep pursuing?
  2. After how much effort should I let go?

If life was certain, I’d know whether I’d be single forever or not. I sure hope that I won’t be! It’d be a waste as I think that somewhere out there is a woman whom I could love.

Patience is not a 6-month thing, so I’ll remain patient, though times they are changing.