I can’t sleep, I don’t want to sleep. For the past few days I’ve been having nightmares, the most recent one was this morning. There’s really three weird things about these nightmares, firstly being that I can’t force myself to wake up from them, secondly that instead of waking up frightened, I wake up saddened, and lastly that I just can’t recall anything about the nightmare when I wake up.
I have a lot on my mind, yes, I always have a lot on my mind.
I have a lot on my mind, yes, I always have a lot on my mind. If I don’t have a lot on my mind, something is wrong, so having a lot on my mind right now isn’t the problem. I do, however, have a lot on my plate. I’ve been trying to gain weight, so I have to have a lot on my plate. So since it’s currently good to have a lot on my plate, that can’t be the problem.
I am however in the process of solving an interesting but sad puzzle, it’s been giving me some of my nightmares. So I’ve been doing a lot more reading and researching, but tonight, I found something interesting! Sort of a jackpot that’s been rolling over for months on end. I don’t know if I should call it interesting or just shocking.
There’s a lot that one can learn by stopping and observing how other people behave.
n order to learn a lot, you have to put things in context, behaviour, time, significant events etc. So now instead of having a few pieces to a small puzzle, I have more pieces to a larger puzzle. Though I write a lot of what’s on my mind on paper, this now bigger puzzle is to be kept in my innermost, where childhood monsters once lived, where My Keeper lives.
It’s a secret I can neither keep nor share, but I must do something about it, so I will do neither of the two, a third option. There’s always a third option!
I always believed that every person has a hidden side, two sides to a coin, right? Yes! Two sides to a coin. It made sense, we get to see the side that you want us to see, unless we take charge and toss the coin ourselves. Though it makes sense, I didn’t see that my puzzle might not be a coin, a third side?
There’s always a third option!
Yes, indeed, a third side. It was hiding right in the open. You puzzle you! You turned your face around and hid right in front of my eyes, but I have found you out. Your third side, I never knew it existed. What shall we say you have? A three-sided coin? Surely my analogy is now clouded with my new-found confusion.
I still can’t sleep, my nightmare has woken with me, and is now in my conscious mind. Surely if I were a cat I would be done for! I can’t stop the curiousity. Can I coexist with my nightmare in my waking moments? Surely such is an absurd imagination …
Wait, imagination! It might make sense, what if this is all a figment of my imagination? But surely I can’t think that, I ruled it out, and as the puzzle stares me in the eye saying “solve me, solve me!” I am faced with a dilemma, do I solve (or rather attempt to) it, or do I let it unravel itself?
Time! We need time to let it unravel itself. We need time alone to think things through, but surely we’ve had enough such time? No, we always use time yet we always consider how we do not have it. It is always running out, we’re not remaining in our youth, we are decaying, losing our youth to time. We surely have to say what we always say, we do not have time! Does this mean that we have to solve the puzzle since we can’t let it unravel itself?
No! Have we not been learning? There is a third option, there is always a third option, it’s not a coin, even a coin can choose to stand and not fall on a side. But a coin can only do that under the right and perfect circumstances. Something must hold it still, as in its nature it will always fall on a side. So does that mean that something is forcing our puzzle’s hand towards the third option? Is our puzzle still a coin? This is confusing, why did we choose a coin?
Fine, have your way then. No more coins, just options. I’ve considered two options, but now I must look for the third option. It won’t be an ‘aha!’ moment though, my third option is the hardest. My third option is the nightmare that I have blocked out of my mind. My nightmare is an option, it might even be the option.
I can only explore it by facing it. I can only explore them by facing them. Am I scared? No, I am petrified! I never thought I’d consider this option, but my puzzle must be solved, no matter what the cost is.
The thing with costs is that they appear to be two-sided, but they too have a third side. The side of no cost. In the side of no cost, both of us don’t care what we lose. We don’t count what we gain. We are freed from the burden. Why carry such a burden when we were once given a promise written in pure blood? He surely said “my yoke is easy and my burden is light”. So why carry mine own burden when there is a lighter one? Why fight my nightmare, walking as a man tossed around by the wind, wondering what happened, what is happening and what will happen? Does one on the face of the Earth know such answers?
Surely they come and profess to know the answers. Men of flesh as us, men who fall as us, who are as weak and wretched as us. Why ought we trust in man, forsaking He who created him, along with all things including those which we cannot fathom. What do these mere men of flesh possess? Is it great insight, deeper than the stars that were born and have died but still resonate in the time continuum? Is it the bravery and the trait of a king of the jungle? Even the king falls, for the jungle is not his alone.
I once looked upon the mirror, and I saw what I am. I since forgot what I am, but now I remember that just as these men, I too am made of flesh, I too fall. Yet there is one being who is not mortified in me, his name is pride. He walks with an axe, chopping all my roots, burning all branches that grow within me. Surely he is the enemy! We must fight him with all we have, with all it takes.
As I see, so I am.
How can I fight what I see, who I am? I can’t do it on my own, I need help to conquer my nightmare. Else I might boast in mine own strength, being blinded by folly and self-deceit, opening mine self up to an intrusion of sevenfold such demons, legion for they are many.
Just as the men of flesh, so too I am. I am evil at heart, filled with ill intent. I cannot help myself. My Defender once pleaded my insanity, I forgot that I still know not what I am doing. He called me to himself for my healing and sanctification. He saved me, and he said that he would neither leave nor forsake me. How true his words are at this moment!
I failed a thousand times, yet His mercy remained.
I failed a thousand times, yet His mercy remained. He raised me up each of those thousand times, and this time He raises me up to face my nightmare. The air around me is full of malice, deceit, ill-intent. I ought call upon My Redeemer who lives, and ask for redemption from my nightmare. The elders said “resist the devil and he will flee from you“. The devil, my nightmare is the devil, and surely it shall flee, as I shall resist it.
I shall be liberated from my nightmare, I shall sleep and wake, as I continue to call upon My Helper.