Sense of Loss

source: https://www.reddit.com/r/GuessTheMovie/comments/28zias/gtm_watching_her_house_burn_down/
Me watching everything burn down

When something bad happens to you, but you’re tired of fighting, and instead of putting up you just give in. That’s how I’ve felt for a while now, and it sucks.

My car was broken into 2 weeks ago, a few valuables were stolen, I was fortunately not carrying my personal laptop on that day (thank you Lord), but I still lost a few things I can’t replace, one of them being very sentimental in value. I was due to travel to Egypt, and I was going to apply for my tourist visa the following day. The short story there’s that my travel documents were stolen, and couldn’t get a new passport in time to apply for a visa, so I had to watch my friend leave while I stayed home. We were supposed to leave on the 17th March.

In the days since then, I’ve been quite depressed, a feeling which is no longer foreign to me. I spent the first few days trying to catch up on some of my personal/Moving Gauteng work, but I threw the towel in after 3 days when I couldn’t take it anymore. Even though I’m feeling like sh*t inside, I don’t really want to talk about it.

Even though I’m feeling like sh*t inside, I don’t really want to talk about it. It’s a bad sense of loss, the kind of loss where you come home to find your house and all possessions burning. I don’t even feel the need to get inside the house and try salvage some of my stuff, I can just sit and stare at the inferno blazing in front of me.

Going back to watching my friend leave, I was sad, but even then I couldn’t even express any emotion; honestly some part of me was hoping that it’s all a dream, and that I would promptly wake up with a sigh of relief. Obviously it wasn’t a dream, because bad things happen to people all the time, right?

Lord knows I needed this trip badly, I needed to get away from work, from my computer, from the struggles in my life. I just needed to spend 10 solid days without someone contacting me for anything. I feel like that rope+wood bridge that everyone keeps crossing without stopping to replace the ropes and the wood.
Sometimes I feel like I’m breaking, and there isn’t really much I can do about it but to just run away from everything. Of course, that doesn’t change anything, but when dealing with battles of the mind and time, the clearing of the mind + the passage of time can restore a lot of what’s lost or damaged.

I’ve had my week of almost having disappeared from everything, and it’s time back for me to walk back into my misfortunate life.

I always say that things of this world will fade, which they will. However, it’s hard to ignore the sense of loss in my heart, the fading away of my happiness at every disheartening moment or tragedy.

We often worry about material things that are sometimes replaceable, but sometimes we slowly lose something of more worth, which we can’t replace. For some people, it’s a loss of trust, others a loss of worth, etcetera.

Single; Forever?

I found this in a draft from July 2016, might as well finish and publish it

I’ve been single more than not in my young adult life. Thinking about it now, most of my few relationships have only lasted a year at best, oftentimes with some caveats and qualifications.

I recently started getting that feeling of “I’ve been single for too long”, which normally means feeling some loneliness. I’ve been out of a relationship for about a year now, officially longer; but caveats and qualifications have their thing; technically. Prior to my relationship, I had been single for nearly 5 years, but back then it was by choice. I just woke up one day, questioned where I was going with dating, and decided to walk away from my already fruitless relationship at the time. My then contention was that”my next relationship would be my last”.

I’ve held that notion ever since, but I don’t know if I’m still as strongly convicted towards it now. Over the years I’ve learnt that finding a partner is often difficult for non-socialites such as myself. As I grow older and my friendships mature, subconsciously I acknowledge that starting new relationships/friendships is often laborious. There’s the odd girl I’d be interested in, but the idea of walking up to her, “meeting” her, and trying to spawn interaction; fades away as quickly as it comes. It’s just too much effort.

How would that next relationship be my last then? What if I’m incompatible with that person with whom I meet? I think I’m a “for life” kind of guy, in that when I get into a relationship, it wouldn’t be to “try things out” or whatever we call that nowadays. It makes it feel thrilling yet risky. I’ve backed off from potential relationships because of this. Am I risk averse? I think I am, sadly.

A friend of mine is in her 30’s, and I suspect she’s been single for maybe a decade, though I’m being dramatic because she just won’t tell me the years. I often wonder how she does it, though it’s because her standards are very high. She’s become very used to being single, I suspect she might have accepted that likelihood of remaining so forever being high. I don’t think mine are, I’m much younger for a guy, and I think I’m just going through Lonely Avenue. I could still some day pull a Trump card and marry someone much younger than me (heck, look at him now, he’s president!).

As I mentioned up top, I initially started drafting this in July 2016, it’s now January 2017. What’s changed in the past few months?

Mentally, a lot has, actually, a lot changed in the last 3 months. I’ve been liberated from the ‘sense of loss’ that I had from my prior relationship, I thank God that whatever part of me that was still feeling hurt has fully healed.
I also got to understand more of my “Lonely Avenue” situation, and mostly got to properly frame what it is I want in my life. Whether I’m willing to pass certain things/people to keep looking for that is another story altogether.

There’s a lady at the office, who I used to write letters to. She “appreciated them”, but I never felt the sense that she was willing to get up and walk halfway to meet me. That didn’t work out, she left our employer early in 2016 (I think something about her prompted me to write this), and never made the effort in wanting to meet with me. So I walked away.

Walking away used to be something that I was very good at, but emotional attachments are too hard. You get used to talking to someone, seeing them, doing stuff with them; sharing a part of yourself with them. Having to let go of that overnight is very difficult, especially if you pictured that someday being more than what you now have.

I think the two hardest decisions with relationships for me right now are:

  1. How long should I keep pursuing?
  2. After how much effort should I let go?

If life was certain, I’d know whether I’d be single forever or not. I sure hope that I won’t be! It’d be a waste as I think that somewhere out there is a woman whom I could love.

Patience is not a 6-month thing, so I’ll remain patient, though times they are changing.

 

 

Why Should I Write?

It’s been a while since I last used WordPress, and almost 9 months since I last wrote a blog post. Something reminded me why I keep paying a small amount of money every month to keep this blog up, and it’s that I used to find writing my heart out to be satisfying.

Some people write because they have an audience, but even the most prolific of writers started without an audience. Even in the age of Facebook and Twitter, where speaking one’s mind can either be a series of Tweets, or a long Facebook post that disappears into the thousands other posts that are on our timelines; there are still people who prefer to write blogs.

At times I don’t have a friend to talk to, and I end up writing something down. Other times I want to share something awesome with the world. Writing is good, maybe some science researcher out there has proven that writing is good, but it shouldn’t matter.

Reading is more important, because a writer who does not read is like a leader who cannot follow. I’m looking at the end of the second month of 20166, and most of my resolutions of attaining balance in my life are out the window. I have a collection of books that I’ve stopped increasing because I’m very behind in reading.

How do avid readers to it? They say “pick up a book and read”. How do the dedicated joggers wake up every morning and spend an hour running? They say “get up, put on your running shoes and run”.

My biggest troubles are that I live under the self-imposed perception that I don’t have time, and that I’m so used to fighting that I am a soldier always at war.

So, why should I write?

For a long time in my life, I’ve had a passion to write, a dream to write children story-books at that. Should we follow all our passions as they make us who we are? I don’t know.

I’ve grown quite vocal about politics over the years, but no I don’t wish to write about politics, I enjoy reading the political commentary that the likes of The Daily Mavericks publish, and I’d rather continue being a reader than a writer.
I have come to learn that I don’t know a lot about our country and continent’s history. I would rather be a reader of those, although most of the time they seem to gravitate around Black Consciousness, but that’s a topic for another year as I’m seen as neo-liberal by my friends.

So why should I write?

Every Tongue in Judgement You Shall Condemn

I was sharing a video on Facebook, and ended up writing a story below it. This was probably the better place to share what The Lord placed in my heart.

“No weapon formed against you shall prosper, and every tongue which rises against you in judgement you shall condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of The Lord, and their righteousness is from Me” Says The Lord. – Isaiah 54:17

I’ve always quoted the first part of the verse, because of course no weapon formed/fashioned against me shall prosper, but it is only in growing have I started to understand the meaning, implications and impartation of the full scripture.

We have the power in Jesus’ authority to condemn the tongue that rises against us in judgement. This is our heritage as Isaiah 54:17 proclaims, and it has been completed by the seal of the Holy Spirit!

We are a people living in a time where chaos is the rule of the land, where defeat is the meal of the day. We are being attacked in the workplace, in our land, there is conflict within our families, and we can no longer tell between our fleshly desires and the enemy’s fiery darts. Our houses are not in order, and we can’t let our pathless wandering be our defeat.

The bible says that the power of life and death is in the tongue. There are tongues that are rising against us in judgement, and we can’t be silent and let them exercise the power of death. Christ came that we may have life, and have it abundantly. It is now the hour for us to boldly proclaim that over our lives. God Himself said that we shall condemn tongues rising against us. It is not an option, it is not for our priests and pastors to do on our behalf; it is our call in this hour.

It is time we speak life unto our lives, unto our families, communities, nation. The workplace is arid with no prophetic vision. We did not graduate to balance books nor be couch potatoes and Twitter activists, but to take charge and walk in the prophecies declared unto us.

 

The Longing

Life gets busy, sometimes it gets noisy with pretense of busyness. Either way, it gets busy.

Busyness sometimes means that one is productive, but how much productivity becomes cancerous to the soul? I found myself wondering this weekend when I was writing down all the things that I needed to achieve by the end of the weekend. Even when I wasn’t being ambitious, it felt like I was about to climb a sizeable mountain, and without the right equipment at that!

For a number of years, perhaps since the start of my career, I’ve found that there are seldom times where I can just relax all weekend knowing that there’s nothing that demands my attention. I can’t remember the feeling of leaving work at the end of the day, knowing that I don’t need to do any work until I switch on my laptop again the following day.
I’ll admit that I’ve been affected by the negativity of deadlines that require extra work at night from home, such that whenever I turn on my work laptop, I feel a bit of depression. This happens even when I’m not turning the laptop on to do work.

Ticking Clock

I’ve just come off the back of a 1-month off-work vacation. I didn’t do much travelling cos money, so I ended up working on projects for half the time, and relatively relaxing for the other half of my time. So one can say that I’m rested, but then why am I feeling exhausting if I’m well rested?

As I paused to catch a thought, I noticed an increment to a minute. Stare at the clock for a bit longer, and I would have noticed a few more increments. Thing is that when I take a breather, time doesn’t take one with me.

This brings me to the first problem that I encounter: I feel that I lack the ability to manage my time well. Everything has its time, but lately I feel like everything wants all my time.

Clearly the solution here is to learn to make more time so I can allocate the time to everything that needs it, or is it?

Equal Time

We can all agree that each man on the universe has 24 hours in a day, none have more, and none have less. So time is not a relative thing, at least that’s what the above would lead me to conclude.
If time is absolute, how come is it that some of us can’t use it as well as other people.

I remember a while ago when I was considering getting into a relationship with a girl I liked, but I would have a tough time with taking a few evenings off to see her. She told me that we make time for the things and people we care about.  I also once read somewhere that if Barrack Obama can make time for his wife, then I’ve got no excuse … (Or something along those lines).

True then, we all have equal time, so then why am I failing to use it to the best of my ability, or to use to to serve my purpose (spirit, soul, body).

  • Why do I keep saying that I can’t join gym because it will take time that I already don’t have?
  • Why have I not learn to play the guitar that I bought 4 years ago?
  • Why can’t I make enough time to read, play chess, go watch cricket, go on picnics, etc?

I am coming to believe that the reason why I can’t do all the above is because of how I view time.

If I considered a minute important, and took care of it, the minutes would take care of the hours, and so on.

Yes, this is the same as “take care of the cents, and the cents will take care of the Rands” [or whatever currency].

What I long for

I really long for that feeling where I don’t have anything in my backlog of TODOs, or a deadline that I’m chasing. Is it such a hard thing to want?

I don’t think it’s a hard thing to want, but it is something I can work on. After all, most things are often in our control to influence. This does not mean that working on what I long for would be easy, but I’m willing to try my hand at it once again.

I’ve heard a number of times people talking about temporal vs. eternal pleasure/joy/happiness. This is mostly ingrained in my religion, that as Christians we “fight the good fight”, we labour in the Earth looking forward to the day when our joy is complete.
The opposite is very evident, such that whether or not one is of a certain religion, we could agree that we can label the above as a principle. Take varsity for example, a lazy student who enjoys the pleasures of the present moment often comes to regret it when they don’t complete with good grades. Another example is someone who doesn’t save up enough for retirement.

What can one do?

My longing is probably something that other people who’ve made themselves very occupied share. I don’t want to share this longing anymore though, so I’m resolving to work on either attaining it.

I’m going to continue with my backlog of every single thing that I need to do, and tackle it as long as the day is “Today”.
Some ideas that I’ve been considering are:

  • Start allocating my time better, and stick to the allocations. For example, when I’m home in the evening, I make sure that 20:00 – ~21:30 is my reading  and prayer time.
  • Look for things that I can complete in a short period of time, and use some of my idle time in working on them.
  • Work harder on making more efficient tools for myself. I am a part-time software developer, and I can sometimes benefit from spending 3 nights writing a tool that will make me save a few weeks’ worth of work. (AUTOMATE ALL THE THINGS?).
  • Plan activities that I want to do, block time out for them, and work harder before them so that I don’t feel guilty with taking the time off.
  • Take better care of my body? Easier said than done, but it shall be done.

TL;DR

I think like every odd overly ambitious person in their working life, I suffer from the cycle of dissatisfaction. In this instance my dissatisfaction is with my working most of the time not resting. I think though that in this instance I might have to work harder so I can relax.
I know it’s quite odd, and I’m probably not making much sense, but I felt like writing down what was on my mind before I get back to work 🙁

If the Vapour Does Not Vanish

It’s always nice to make medium-term plans and goals, but as wisdom would contend; tomorrow is an unknown until it becomes today. The apostle James cautions us against boasting about tomorrow:

Come now, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, spend a year there, buy and sell, and make a profit”; whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away. – James 4:13-14

Prelude

This, being my personal space, has always been a place where I can talk about things that bother me; things that I ordinarily wouldn’t converse about with anyone, so if you’ve found yourself reading this, and you’re not into reading about strangers, you could save yourself the time by not reading further :).

 

My Church-hopping Dream

I had really would have loved to have gone church-hopping around the US earlier this year, but that didn’t really happen. Instead of a work contract in the US, I ended up going to Canada. In retrospect, if you were to ask me whether I’d choose the US if I had the choice; I’d probably abstain from the choice. I don’t believe in coincidence, and as unhappy as I initially was about my allocation; I grew content and acknowledged that I believe in a God who has a purpose for my life; that nothing is a coincidence in this life.

I also met and made friends whom I’m hopefully will remain in contact for as long as possible. One other thing that my plans hinged on was being able to save up for all the flights and buses travelling around. To be honest, when I was in Canada, I was broke most of the time, and had a bad experience as a result of that. I was lucky to be with a friend at that time, because I wouldn’t have survived alone.

Perhaps being where I’ve dreamed of going to, and yet being unable to travel as I had desired, would have broken my heart. I thank The Lord that even if I don’t get what I want, He still provides for what I need.t

On the Present

I’ll admit that I’ve become too absorbed in work and my projects that the time that I devote to my daily reading of the Word, and other devout deeds, has been at the danger of being insufficient.

A friend bought me the New King James version Bible, which I’ve always wanted. I intended on reading it in a year, but I’ve fallen behind over the months. I’m embarrassed to say how far I am, but I can still complete reading it if I up my current pace. My friend keeps saying that I’m being hard on myself, but for someone who’s lived life as a renegade of sorts; it’s important that I read, hear and pray more often, that I don’t fade away in things of this life.

One of the things that I’ll acknowledge running the risk of, is that of being proud and boastful. My project https://rwt.to is nearing the beginning of production; and another related project is also coming close to seeing light-of-day. To get to where I am now, has been a tough lengthy struggle. My routine at some point was to frustrate myself all weekend, and go cry out to The Lord on Sunday evening church, asking for strength to continue working on rwt-to.

For a person who walks away from things easily, it’s not by my own will that I’ve come this far. It’s a testimony I guess, that some of the things that got me through were solutions that I dreamt of when all my wit had failed me.

We Suffered; We Persevered; We Succeeded; We Forgot our Help

We often forget where we come from after we survive tough times. I currently sense that I’m at that point where I might forget my struggles if my venture succeeds. This is really a reminder for myself that I didn’t get where I am now by my works, because by such standards I would have given up a year ago.

On the Future

Though we can’t boast about tomorrow, James says that:

Instead you ought say, “If the Lord wills, we shall live and do this or that”. – James 4:15

An unplanned life is a life without purpose. If I choose to go about living each day without goals for the future, I could end up finding myself in the same place after a number of years. So, if the Lord wills, I hope that I shall live to do this or that, being:

Studies

I wanted to register for a BSc. degree this year, and I’m still keen on seeing it through. From a career perspective, it makes sense that I do something else. I don’t know what the future holds, and whether I have the will to carry through such ambition. I’m also conflicted on whether I can adjust my lifestyle to accommodate studying.

Bethel and Passion

I still want to see my dream through and visit Redding and Atlanta in the near future. Going to Redding would make it convenient to also go visit Silicon Valley, seeing as it’s central to all our start-up dreams. If it would be possible, I’d like to attend one of the Passion conferences, probably in Atlanta.
Both require a lot of finances, and logically the best thing is to find a few non-essential expenses to cut off, so that I can start saving up for the possible trip back to the US. Passion conferences are normally in January, so 2016 is the most logical estimate to save up for.

If the Lord wills, that the vapour that is my life does not vanish, I’d like and hope to save up to be able to go to Atlanta and Redding in 2016.